Win Ben Stein's Horseshit!

Get me a bag. Thanks. Ready?

HWLLLLBBBLLLCCHHHHHHSLPPPPLLLLLLLTCH!

That was me puking after having just watched the "teaser" trailer for Ben Stein's equivalent of a Michael Moore movie "Expelled".

I knew I was in for a heapin' helpin' of horse apples when the stodgy teacher starts in:

STODGY TEACHER: Now class, we're going to discuss the theory of evolution...(frustratedly) yes, Mr. Stein?

BS: Where did life even come from...dude?

Yes, that was a paraphrasing except for the "dude" part. But instantly we know that this will not be an honest discussion on evolution (not that I thought it'd be).

So BS thinks that evolution needs to predict where life comes from. Well, let me tell you BS - it doesn't. It can't. Evolution kicked in when life started - it doesn't predict how life came to be. But you'll all ride that horse to "prove" your magical beliefs that the Flying Spaghetti Monster made us instantly from His noodly appendages, entrenching your fingers firmly in your ears.

And for the morons out there who still think that evolution doesn't exist because we can't say for certain where life comes from, let me ask you this:

When you go to a restauraunt and food is prepared for you by a chef, does your food exist even if the chef doesn't know how to farm?

What Harm Can it Do? A Lot.

The ever-loving lunacy of the mouth-breathing morons I share the planet with never ceases to amaze me. I know most of the people like to hold on to their delusions of "my life is meaningful with Jeebus" and "I'm important in the universe because of Odin", but when it comes down to it they'll take the first bus out of Moronville if it can save their ass or the ass of a loved one.

Leave it to these people to screw up my faith in humanity again. An 11-year old girl with a treatable disease died from it because her parents tried "faith" over "call nine one fucking one".

Says Female Moron:

"our lives are in God's hands. We know we did not do anything criminal. We know we did the best for our daughter we knew how to do."

Wait a minute. It's ok that you twiddled your thumbs (or whatever morons do when they pray) and neglected your child till she died from it, because had the almighty lord of the sky wanted her to live, he would've...magically transported an ambulance? Not made her ill in the first place?

I got news for you. What you did is not only stupid, it is criminal. And to go along with your Stone Age beliefs, I hope they institute a Stone Age punishment. Like stoning you to death. With really pointy stones. From Stone Mountain, GA. Crafted by a master stonemason. Whilst he is really stoned.

I'm done.

Why They Don't Get It

I've been away from the skeptical blogging scene for a long time. That means I haven't been able to link to an article or think out my response to something that a Clubmember says. With that in mind, I'm starting to understand why they just don't get it.

Logical Fallacies

Pointing out fallacies in people's thinking tends to drive the argument to "You're a atheist non-believing asshole!" instead of making onlookers think "Wow, this dude who uses Cold-Eez is retarded". As we've noticed, even here the Clubmembers simply ignore their fallacious thinking going so far as to say that we can spin everything they say into a fallacy. Well fellas, there's a reason for that.

Scientific Thinking

Most people are going to believe the easiest exlplanation, unless another explanation benefits them. That's why anecdotes of "It works!" are so powerful - especially coming from someone you trust. It may be easier for some people to think there is a man in the sky protecting them (but never getting credit for killing them), guiding them and creating all life at once and they are comfortable thinking that way. Trying to make them question their views makes you the asshole.

Goalposts

The other day I told someone that it's silly not to believe that evolution is real, since it's easily provable. I got the standard "you can't prove evolution" answer. I responded by stating that evolution simply means that the gene pools of populations change over time, by the Clubmember saying he didn't believe in evolution it means he ignores the obvious. I told him he probably resents the fact that scientists (in layman's terms) believe that these changes lead lower orders to turn into people. His retort?

You're just changing the definition of the word!

I think I heard "Darwinist" and "Evolutionist" 20 times in that conversation.

So it's good to be back.

Today's Verbal Excrement Brought to You by Cal Thomas

I have a simple response to Cal Thomas's moronic assertion that

Atheists are the only people who appear to have been offended by Mitt Romney's speech about his Mormon faith.

He's a douche - he could give a speech on his belief in a Magic Bean Giving Cookie Monster on the Mountain, Master Cheif, Gorlock the Mighty or Santa Clause and I'd still rather have the Sanjaya dude from that retarded TV show as the decision maker in the world.

Most atheists I know could care less about his speech.

Thomas wants to be the Cowardly Lion I guess considering his creation of a 20 foot tall straw man.

How Does This Work Again?

I recall now - I write a bunch of stuff, and morans from the entire Internetiverse drop their little verbal poops at the end.

To be honest, I haven't even dropped by some of my faves in a couple weeks. Even Randi's weekly column has been missed by one (particularly cold right now) Rockstar. So here's my recent thoughts on things skeptical-like:

-Are we seriously thinking about voting for a Creationist for President again? It's almost 2008 folks. Time to live in the now. By no means am I advocating anyone in particular, but when another human being refuses to recognize a major force in daily life (evolution) it's hard enough to converse with them, let alone elect them leader of the free world. Oh yeah, and don't bomb Iran and stuff.

-I thought the Criss Angel/Uri Geller thing would encourage a bunch of bullshit; I was wrong. It was awesome watching Criss tear the "medium" up. The guy that won is a pretty talented mentalist though.

I'm-a gonna go peruse the rest of my favorite sites that are not WWE or music related while we're hunkered down here in this ice storm. Then I'll try and come back with another one of my favorite Stupid Things People Say.

From the Road II - Random Observations.

Part 1 - Dane Cook Joke as Told by a Shitty Guitar Player From Another Band

First, Dane Cook is not funny. Why a bunch of circle-jerking frat boys think he is soooo hillarious is beyond me. What brings this to mind, one might ask?

Some fucking retard told me a Dane Cook joke that I'll paraphrase (I refuse to You-Tube it because I can't stand watching him) from what turdcicle paraphrased for allllll teh funneee gawd-fearin' musicians here:

This guy sneezed and I said "god bless you" [insert not funny snip] and he said "I'm an atheist!"

Well, I asked him "What do you expect when you die?"

He said "I hope I turn into a beautiful tree!"

I said "Well I hope someone cuts you down and turns you into a bible!"

When everyone laughed that Sloth-like laugh, I looked at the ass-spelunker telling the joke like he was a third grader who just shit himself.

There's a reason for that - that exactly illustrates a third grade view of atheism. I've never once met an atheist who gave one solitary shit about what happens after you die. You're fucking passed on, no more, ceased to be! Expired and...(gotcha nerds!) bereft of life! What does it matter? Tear me apart, cut my eyes out and rip my heart from my chest! Better yet, surgically remove them and give them to some one that needs them. Thank you science, now my friend can live unless George Bush thinks my liver might grow into a completely new alcoholic made from nothing by Jesus...

Part 2 - Troll Dung

WTF is up with the IDiots and morons and drive-by morons (oh, my!) lately? Can they smell when I'm gone?

Morons, I'm out having fun. Keep bleevin' in jeebus and astrology and acupuncture. It's funny. But I warn you now - you're always gonna have Akusais and Bronze Dogs and Dickheads (it's a compliment) and Dikkiis and Dumb Chimps and Pranksters and Skeptics (I still post more than him) and Tom Fosses to point out your idiocy.


P.S - This post made from a computer that may be an old AT; I have no idea how I accessed teh intarwebs with a Hercules graphics card...

From the Road

I commune with you all from a borrowed laptop from the road. Due to weird circumstances, on this leg of our journey we end up at the frickin' Hampon Inn that actually has free wireless. Apparently accomodations were part of the contract and all the flea-bitten shitholes were filled up with rednecks preparing to celebrate the birth of their country by blowing a part of it up. So the lucky club owner had to spring.

Yes, this is the nicest place we've stayed in for weeks...make that years.

Anyway, I apologize for the absence - it's tough to find time to write and I may have to go on another leave. Somehow, the trolls can always sniff me out. It's really weird that when I disappear my traffic quintuples. Not that I've ever given a shit about traffic; this blog is mostly for my ego :)

So a special thanks to Dikii, Berlzebub and especially Tom Foss for babysitting under the bridge for me. Thanks a ton. Seriously, that's 2000 lbs. of appreciation.

To the trolls - thanks for the laughs. Your constant switch between denying science and using it (ignorantly) to try and support your ridiculous ideas is completely hillarious.

Finally, I had to turn the stupid word verification thing on. The recent traffic has brought the spammers in droves.

Well, off to entertain some yokels who will totally ignore all the music we've spent eight years writing in favor of a 12 pack of Budweiser and a frequent cry of "Play us some Skynard!"

I Totally Get it Now

I totally understand why Creationists are total close-minded boneheads. I understand why, when faced with mountains of evidence contrary to their silly beliefs, they plug their ears and continue to espouse verbal mule dung.

Via Berlzebub I was directed to an article from Pharyngula discussing the Creation Museum's need for a geologist with a PhD. Funny in it's own right, but not my point.

At the end of PZ's post, I read a statement that said geologist would have to sign off on before landing that awesome gig:

No apparent, perceived or claimed evidence in any field, including history and chronology, can be valid if it contradicts the Scriptural record.

I get it now! No evidence, no matter how apparent or obvious can be right if it contradicts the 2000+ year old musings of desert nomads. Aside from the normal nonsense (we were all made in 6 days from dust and nothing), in the minds of morons:

We can eat any fruit or seed from any plant or tree. Genesis 1:29

Ryan says: Please start with Chinaberries!

Bats are birds. Leviticus 11:19

Ryan says: I love bat eggs for breakfast!

Bugs have four legs. Leviticus 11:23

Ryan says: Does not approve.

Pi is equal to 3. 1 Kings 7:23, 2 Chronicles 4:2

Ryan says: Flat wheels don't roll.

The earth does not rotate or revolve, and frankly doesn't move at all. 1 Corinthians 16:30, Job 38:4, Ecclesiastes 1:5

Ryan says: Does not approve.

People think with their hearts. Esther 6:6, Proverbs 23:7, Matthew 9:22

Ryan says: I think that may be true of Creationists.

Snails melt. Psalm 58:8

Ryan says: Great. That might piss the French off enough to...surrender some more.

God heals all diseases, not that silly "medicine". Psalm 103:2-3

Ryan says: I encourage this belief in all religious people. Unless they have children.

The earth is flat. Psalm 74:17, Isaiah 11:12; 40:22, Ezekial 7:2, Daniel 2:35

Ryan says: Does not approve. (It's a joke, people.)

Stars are little points of light that can lead three wise dudes to Brian Jeebus. Matthew 2:9

Ryan says: Good thing Harry Caray's favoirte planet hasn't burned out or we'd all be dead.

Illnesses, deafness and blindness are caused devils. Matthew 12:22; 17:15, Mark 6:13

Ryan says: I am deaf in my left ear. My doctors said it was caused partly by an illness when I was three, partly by extremely loud rock music. I guess I'm wrong. But since it's only one ear, do I have a retarded devil or something? Maybe he's just not very big.

Prayer will cure anything. James 5:14-15

Ryan says: Again, I encourage all Creationists to avoid medical help. Just make sure to take your kids to the doctor.

So, if you are part of The Discovery Institute Answers in Genesis, you must believe all these things to be true. No matter what we find out, no matter how apparent it is, nothing can ever change.

Science and materialism are the exact opposite - we find new stuff all the time! I feel bad for the fundies. What do they have to be excited about?

Morons.

One More Time For the Peanut Gallery - A Skeptic's Real Position on Acupuncture

This article was inspired by a recent comment thread at Skeptico. I'd like to point out a skeptic's position on acupuncture so that all the believers out there can debate our real position and not some made up one.

1. We know sticking needles in someone relieves pain temporarily.

We've read your Johns-Hopkins report showing this, so don't link to it and don't cut-and-paste it into our comment threads. However, it is your job to prove that this pain is reduced by re-directing "chi" or "qi" and therefore acupuncture and not just "puncture". You can do this by defining chi and designing a test. However, this test must rule out the following logical reasons that sticking needles into someone may relieve pain:

1. Placebo
2. Temporary mood improvements due to the personal nature of the treatment
3. Psychological investment of the patient in the success of the therapy
4. Misdirection
5. Incorrect diagnosis to start with
6. The cyclical nature of the illness (gets worse/gets better/gets worse/gets better…)
7. Other medicines the patient is taking
8. The illness just goes away by itself.
9. Release of endorphins

2. There is no evidence that sticking needles into people cures/relieves anything else.

If you have a double-blind test showing that acupuncture cures/relieves anything aside from temporary pain, please visit this website to win a million dollars. And I would like a 10% finders fee, thank you.

3. Personal anecdotes are not sufficient evidence.

Saying "I had MD and had acupuncture done and now it's gone", then requiring a skeptic to accept that as evidence is just silly. By that logic, you are required then to believe everything anyone says about anything.

Aliens cured my heel spurs too.

The point is, saying that to believe it we have to try it means we assume personal experiences (and therefore people) are infallible and possibly omnipotent since we'd have to understand everything going on including what we can't see.

I'm not perfect, and understand the placebo effect, confirmation bias and other personal biases that might get in the way of what is actually happening. I also would not rule out incorrect diagnosis in the first place.

4. Ancient Chinese Secrets mean nothing.

Unless, of course, it's Calgon. Where is there research? Why can't we re-create the studies they performed to determine this knowledge? Please don't resort to the genetic fallacy. That borders on racism.

The point is, it doesn't matter how long it's been used by whatever ancient peoples. What it boils down to is "does it work"?

5. One double-blind test will change our minds. Why can't you perform one?

It's real easy folks - describe what acupuncture can do, under what conditions and with what success rate. Then propose a test that eliminates bias. No, it won't prove acupuncture works definitively, but it will give us a reason to replicate the experiment. If the experiment is replicated successfully, what recourse do skeptics have but to accept acupuncture? With that in mind...

6. What would it take to convince you acupuncture doesn't work as claimed?

If you can't answer that you are a closed-minded fool. If you will accept an idea for no reason, why not accept any statement anyone makes?

Now, if you can refute our real position, please do so - I'd be excited if there were a new field of medicine that could cure anything.

I won't hold my breath though.

Stupid Thing People Say #8 - You Don't Think it's Possible!

I've seen this rhetorical device used by many people and profession, not just morons and Woos. In some situations "you don't think it's possible" is a valid question. An attorney trying to establish reasonable doubt, for instance.

But when used by loons as an appeal to be open-minded straw man, it becomes invalid.

Take for instance the typical Sylvia Browne supporter. To them, I usually point out that not only are psychics seldom even close on their predictions, they've never been able to demonstrate their powers when the ability to cheat is taken away. Therefore, I don't believe in psychic powers and think the logical conclusion is that they are guessing...badly.

You don't think it's possible?

Goal post moved, Woo argument changed, straw man set up. Never did I say that psi wasn't possible. As a matter of fact, most non-morons would say that nothing is impossible; we can never know all the options.

Woos use this rhetorical device to stop you in your tracks - they know just as well as we do that anything is possible, so they attribute the opposite to our argument.

Aliens, unicorns, astrology, homeopathy, bigfoot (bigfeet?), jeebus, leprechauns, fairies, gnomes and hobbits are all possible. Until we see some proof though, their existence is so improbable as to be almost zero. The fact that it could exist does not make the probability of it's existence any higher.