Dear Odin's Beard, I Think I Agree With These Religious Wackos

Yesterday in Washington state, the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals overturned a previous federal judge's ruling that pharmacies do not have to sell Plan B Emergency Contraceptive if it conflicts with their silly religious beliefs.

What?

So if you own your own business, the federal government can tell you what have to sell? Prepare for old school vitriol, and if you don't like swearing, go read a Little Golden Book.

I'm with the pharmacy owners who don't want to sell the drug on this one. If I want to open a business and call it a pharmacy what fucking business is it of the government what I sell as long as it's legal?

This makes no sense at all. If these morons want to withhold a product from their consumer base, by all means, go ahead. Fuck it, empty your whole drugstore out and sell nothing but Band-Aids and Depends; who are we to give two shits? Don't be surprised if your customer base becomes nothing but a trickle of incontinent old farts, but what business of the goverment's is it? Or mine for that matter?

Don't want to sell Sudafed because one can extract the pseudoephedrine? Fine and dandy. Don't want to sell aspirin because it causes Reye's Syndrome in children? Hunky fucking dory.

Look, as long as a product is legal and I sell it legally to people I can legally sell it to, that's my right. On the other hand, as long as I own my own business I shouldn't have to sell any legal product to someone I can legally sell it to for any fucking reason I want.

Fuck the Flintstones, I hate that show and I'm not selling their vitamins. Who am I hurting? You want 'em? Go to fucking Wal-Mart. Wait, what? I have to sell them or else? I get it, I'm infringing on the rights of Cave People. Fuck me.

The worst part about this is that so much more good could be done focusing on what not to sell. Start with all the homeopathic bullshit and work your way down.

Now, don't get me wrong; if you are a pharmacist and you get a job at Walgreen's and all of a sudden can't sell birth control because of your ridiculous ideas, tough shit. You knew going in that was part of the job so take it or leave it.

Outside of the ridiculous (I can't imagine there's a city council dumb enough to let me open a store called "Ryan's Pharmacy" and sell used cars) and illegal if you are the proprietor of an establishment, who has any right to tell you what you have to propriate?

What's next on the docket? I know, let's make Burger King sell chicken wings and tacos. That actually would make it more convenient, you know.

The Second Zicam Post

So Your Rockstar does go to Walgreens frequently because they have the cheapest prescription drug plan I believe on the planet. Hey, music doesn't have a 401k, health insurance or dental like the rest of the world.

Now I frequently complain to the really hot girl who works at the pharmacy that they sell things like Airborne, Cold Eeze and Kevin Trudeau's books of bullshit. She gives me the old "but we sell what customers want and some people believe different things and I have huge boobies..." thing but mostly I ignore it since I've heard it before and I'm staring at her huge boobies.

But I went in the other day and saw all the Zicam nasal spray and swabs were off the shelf. I asked Hot Boobies why and she told me that because of the FDA warning they removed the product.

I didn't know what to think. Happy that they removed an untested product that makes unsubstantiated claims and ends up harming their users? Or sad that it takes an FDA warning for them to take action on such products?

Big boobies guys. Big. I bought my stuff and had dreams that King of Ferrets might not be old enough for...

The Secret Stil Still Wrong...and Dumb

This was the funniest T-shirt I'd seen in a long time. How did all that "The Secret" nonsense turn out? It was all the rage a couple years ago on my frequently visited skeptical blogs.

Oh, and please say a prayer to Gorlock the Magnificent to send the souls of Billy Mays, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and all the other less well known people listed in the "Recent Deaths" area of Wikipedia.org.

For those who missed it, "The Secret" (introduced on Oprah, naturally) is that anything you think or hope for you will get. If you think about a traffic jam, there will be one. It's proponents state that it is a law similar to gravity that works everytime. Well, it's not.

Zicam No Longer Just Harmless Security Blanket for Morons

The FDA has recently announced that Zicam nasal spray and swabs can cause loss of smell.

Now, Zicam may do what it says it's supposed to do. It may be a miracle cure for the common cold as long as you don't want your olfactory sense anymore. The problem is, the former bubble gum maker took the low road and classified their product as homeopathic which means that Zicam is classified the same as nutritional supplements. Or to put it simply, as long as they put "These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA and this product is not intended to cure, treat or diagnose any illnes or disease" in teeny tiny letters on the package and on their commercials, they don't have to prove safety or efficacy.

Now the FDA says they do have to prove it.

Look, they did no testing or anything, marketed their product on testimonials alone (their product isn't really even homeopathic, at least as far as the woo-woo rule book is concerned; they only use homeopathic nomenclature) and hurt people. Maybe their product works - I'm not saying it can't. I'm just very glad that they now have to back up their claims or face the consequences.

The bad thing I forsee is that, much like all of homeopathy, astrology, chiropractic, acupuncture, etc, confirmation bias will lead Bleevers to disregard this information and keep right on buying Zicam. Personally, I suggest spending your $8 on Powerball tickets.

Morons.

Stupid Thing People Say #9 - But THAT Part of the Bible Isn't Supposed to be Taken Literally!

This is a huge pet peeve of mine, an argument used by the close-minded sheep that just makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I hear it the most when I mention that the creation story is nonsense.

ME: Saying the Bible is inerrant is completely ignorant. Read the first chapter; it says The Universe and Earth are created at the same time and stars and light are created after that!

CREDULOID: But that part isn't supposed to be taken literally!

ME: How do you know that? How do you know which parts are to be taken literally and which aren't?

The typical retort usually has something to do with the fact that this magic man in the sky is to complicated for us to understand so he had to dumb everything down for us. I don't know how that explains which parts of the Bible are literal and which are allegorical (is that a word? I don't care, people know what I mean), but I'm not the one either making up supernatural nonsense or reiterating what Father Butthead told me on Sunday.

Now let me get one thing clear - at the very least these people are trying to find a logical solution to the problem presented; things couldn't have happened like it says in Genesis. There are of course uber morons who do think it happened that way but they are like Sabrina Wilson from eighth grade - so far gone it's pointless to try and bring them back. She's probably married with nine kids and fat by now, so no issue there. And I think it's cute that the Answers in Genesis people call others "Darwinists". Do they call rocket scientists "Goddardists" or pilots "Wrightians"? But I digress.

This is a really lame cop-out for people who thump the B-I-B-L-E, but simple search on ad hoc hypotheses would show the part of it's literal/part of it's not argument to be fallacious.

And to my millions of fans who honestly believe that part of the Bible is the literal word of god and part of it is allegory, could you please explain how you know this? If you can't, please stop using this ridiculous, childish reason to believe in sky people.

Thanks and Kisses,
Ryan Michael Whitmore

LABELED's Sixth EP Avaliable June 14th

I just wanted everyone to know that our sitxth EP aptly titled "Charlie's Ninjas" will be available tomorrow, June 14th for download. If $.99 a song is too pricey (and I know it is for these guys, about the only thing I disagree with them on) you can listen to the tunes for free as well.

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! Only at www.labeledmusic.com!

Multi Level Marketing is Gibberish for Sack of Magic Beans - Part II of III

I just realized I tripled my 2008 post count.

You wouldn't believe it, but I'm looking for work again! Because of (duh-duh-DUH) "THE ECONOMY" most local music joints are either closing down or not booking bands. So I'm goin' back to work!

During this search, I've been approached by two different Multi Level Marketing companies. Today, on 95% we rip apart the scam perpetrated by...

Primerica Financial Services!

So I was working on my online resume at Nebraska Joblink and had just finished my work history when I got a call from Primerica Regional Vice President Todd. Todd is apparently like Sting or Cher in that he did not have a last name, but said that he had read my resume posted on line and had an opportunity for me as an independent financial services representative.

Todd told me that he was looking to start an office here in Lincoln and needed some go-getters to fire it up. Well, I'm one go-gettin' dude so Todd has my interest. He asked if I had ever heard of Primerica (part of Citigroup, a fact he always included when he said the company name) and was surprised when I said that I had. I told Todd that I had worked in the mortgage industry and knew clients with Primerica (part of Citigroup) funded mortgages. But he should know that since he read my resume, right?

I asked what the main product line is: mortgage origination, refinancing, mortgage insurance, retirement planning or all of the above.

Todd told me that they don't work with refinancing homes (total bullshit, as I would discover); their goal is to get people out of debt using a second mortgage called a SMART loan (I didn't ask what SMART meant then, but I now I think it's Screw as Many Assholes out of RetiremenT) thereby lowering their monthly payments. Odd that Citigroup wants to hold debt and created a subsidiary to help people get out of it, but...

It sounds OK so far, but I know that I'm not licensed to broker mortgages, no longer have my Financial Planner designation and don't even have my insurance and securities licenses anymore. That's when it hit me...this douche didn't know this because my education/licences/certificates section of my resume wasn't done. Did he read the rest of it? I'm gonna bust this guy.

"So Todd, you'll know from my resume that I've been working as a professional musician for the past few years right?"

"Yeah, I know. Most of our Independent Representatives come from outside the financial services industry."

But wait - I just told this guy twenty seconds ago that I had worked in the mortgage industry! And do you think I'd really put "I was in a band" on my resume? Did this guy think I would put "I was in a band" in my work history? I guess so. Quite frankly I'll discuss the gap in my work history during an interview, but this guy just let me know that I'm gonna need some boots and a shovel for the rest of this horseshit conversation. But let's go further:

"Well, I'd say the job I had before that is about as far outside the financial services industry as possible!"

I figured he'd go along with it, give me a "Ha, yeah, know what you mean" or something. But instead of keeping his mouth shut and letting me think he's a fool, he opened it and removed all doubt.

"What did you do?"

Huh? Now you're not even pretending to have read my resume. Dude, you are gonna get it now. I only had a split second to come up with something halfway between off-the-wall and believable.

"C'mon Todd, I was a dog groomer. It's right there in my work history."

I thought about telling the guy that I worked as Beetlejuice on the streets of LA, but that's a little out there. Turns out this guy went to the Bag Convention and set up a Douche booth.

"Oh, yeah."

I asked Todd how they get their leads to sell these SMART loans and reiterated I would not cold call or ask people I know. He acted like I had just said "DARr WHy iS DA sKY BLOO?" and answered my question with a little onomatopoeia.

"Pssshfft. You can cold call if you want to but we work on referrals."

OK, online referrals (so I think). I'm still not counting this job out yet, since referrals are basically people who want to buy what I have to sell.

Todd told me that he'd train me how to sell these financial plans (notice, we are no longer "helping people" but "selling) and I'd have access to the president of the company if I needed it.

At this point Todd offers me dinner and drinks (you know Your Rockstar never turns that down) to talk the opportunity over. So I agreed.

Then I went to the interwebs and found out that this is a straight up MLM scheme. I googled "Primerica" and The Googles suggested I search for "Primerica Scam". So I did.

Let me sum up the 27,600 articles found: you are 80% recruiter and 20% salesman. Recruiting more important than selling/marketing a product? Check.

I read about the products they offer, and they are shit. They train you to sell them like their Odin's gift to the world, and since 95% of the people you sell this crap to (HA!) know nothing about it, some fancy statistics and pretty forms can end up in sales. But why sell when you can have a "team" selling for you while you eat bon-bons on the couch with Peggy Bundy?

This buffoon gets the lion's share of my profits? Check.

I didn't go to my meeting with Todd where he'd likely try and sell me something and get me to another meeting where I plop down the $99 start up fee and the $whatever per month support fee that he and the guy above him and the guy above him (shit, it's turtles all the way down) will suck up like like his mom's golf ball through the garden hose. Apparently the "referrals" are the suckers that buy into this shit.

The guy had a 308 area code so I knew it would take him at least two and a half hours to get to our meeting. So I did the polite thing and called him an hour prior. He didn't answer but I did leave a nice, Ryan-style voicemail:

"Hi Todd, this is Ryan Whitmore. You were supposed to meet me in an hour to try and get me into a pyramid scheme? Well, I did some research about Primerica(part of Citigroup) and found out that their products are garbage and the only way to make money is to recruit people, kind of like Amway. Well, I already have several pyramid schemes that I'm involved with, and I just don't think I can handle another. Good luck in the future, make as much as you can before the FTC comes after you! Oh, you may want to actually read some one's resume if you claim to have done so. And I'll be blogging about this; you can read my post at w w w dot blogspot dot com backslash ninety five percent. Thanks Todd!"

I don't think I'll hear back.

Comment Moderation is Off

Now, if we can all be good, I'll leave this off for a while. Some of the regulars that disappeared during my extended hiatus were good at sweeping up the verbal excrement when I wasn't looking, but since they are gone I had to moderate the comments myself.

Maybe some new and old folk'll come back and help with the garbage once in a while.

Multi Level Marketing is Gibberish for Sack of Magic Beans - Part I of III

Been busy with the band, mostly blog on our myspace account blah blah blah.

But since this is more about critical thinking, I'm going to discuss some of the recent Multi-Level Marketing scams I've recently been exposed to.

Right here, tonight on 95%, our first MLM scam!

Burnlounge:

We were approached by some people we know about this scam about 2 years ago; one was a former promoter who had really hooked us up good in the past, and the other was an old asshole rocker who's band was popular (locally) in the 80's yet still thinks his shit smells of sandalwood. They said they had a great idea for us to get our music out there, and they'd talk to us about it over dinner and drinks at our favorite sports bar. OK - get our music out, free dinner and drinks. We're in!

We get to the bar and they're both there with their laptops. Promoter Guy comes over to sit with us, tray of Jager shots in tow while Old Asshole Rocker Who's Shit Smells of Sandalwood stayed at another table. The way PG started talking to us was completely different from when we did shows with us; he apparently had been studying Douchebaglish since the last time we me and was happy to share this new language with us. I instantly knew that I was not going to get a way to "get my music out there" but was puckering my butthole up for a sales pitch. Oh well, at least I'd be getting drunk for free.

He presented us with this general idea: You pay $400 in startup fees and you are given a website created for you. You then sell music from this website for $.99 a download, and you get paid for every song sold. The best part was that we could put our own songs on there and the "Burnlounge Community" would be able to see and buy our songs!

Sales pitch declined; we already have a website that cost much more than $400, looks much nicer and we already have our songs on there for download. I asked to see one of their websites and it looked like crap. And the songs were downloaded in .wav files instead of MP3's. What is this, 1999? And to get our money back, we have to have at least 400 people buy these songs all the while competing with the rest of the "Burnlounge Community". Sounds like a lot of work for no gain. And what's in it for this guy? (I think I knew the answer).

He was ready for that objection.

See, getting our tunes into the "Burnlounge Community" is just a bonus; what it's really about is setting up your own business community. Now, if we just paid the $400 and sold bad files from our crappy website that at least two other people I know already have, we probably wouldn't make money on the deal. Not only would we get a measley $.5 (I calculated this later) per download, but there is also this $25 a month fee.

Well, thanks for the drinks guys, but I'm not in the habit of throwing money in the toilet. We'll see you.
Wait, he says. How many other people in the music business do we know?

Well, tons.

"OK, here's the best part - if you get two of your friends in the music business to open up there stores, you get a quarter of their start up fee, part of their monthly fee and your "commission" goes up! If you get 10 friends, you get half of their startup fee, and your commission skyrockets per download! Plus, you get a percentage of their commission! Now, if you're ready to make a commitment... "

Hold on. I just barfed a little when I typed that MLM weasel word.

...then you can send your 10 friends to me, I'll explain the community to them just like I did you at their favorite place over dinner and drinks. You won't have to do anything except send people to meet me!

At this point I knew we were being recruited into an MLM scam, but had to be sure.

"So, how much a month do you make from downloads?" I asked of PG.

PG tries a little misdirection that might fool someone who hasn't read all of Robert Todd Carroll's critical thinking articles. I have. "Guys, I made $2500 last month and this is only my fourth month as a business owner."

"That wasn't my question. I want to know how much you make from your personal business site. Or is the $2500 you made last month just from fees?"

PG actually looks like he's pissed at this point that we could possibly question his magnificent offer. So he tells us he's going to have the guy that recruited him come talk to us. Oh, and we'll each have another round while you're up. Ain't I a stinker?

Over stumbles an obviously inebriated Old Asshole Rocker Who's Shit Smells of Sandalwood who promply plops down in his seat like an old sack of diapers and starts his part of the pitch. You know the tone a cop uses when he's telling you you're doing something wrong and you know it? "4 AM is too late for a party guys" and the like? Well that's the tone OARWSSS used when talking to us.

"Look guys," he said like a pissed off small town pig about to tell you your mom's gonna get a phone call, "you need to get in now. The longer you wait, the more people are going to be above you. I made $10,000 doing this for the past six months. Here."

He shows us a bank statement that shows $10,000+. I have photoshop too, ya know.

"Now all you have to do is call your friends, we'll meet with them and get them to make a commitment. They'll be part of your community and you'll get part of their fees and commissions. How much money you want to make is up to you."

I'm done with these Bozos. I fire back knowing that they're going to pretend to be insulted.

"OK. Let me ask a few questions. Is it OK if we take some time to think about this?"

I know full well I want nothing to do with this scam, I just wanted some ammo.

"Sure it's OK, but we have meetings with people all this week and they'd be part of your community if you commit today."

High pressure to make a commitment right away. Check.

"And I bet that there's a sales "goal" or quota on how many downloads you have to sell on your site, correct? But that doesn't mean anything since you can always use the money you get from your friends making a commitment to buy the songs yourself, right?"

"You got it man. Me 'an PG do that shit all the time. See it doesn't matter who downloads 'em; just that they get downloaded."

Recruiting new people is 50 times more important that selling the product. Check.

"And there's still that pesky $25 fee every month, but that's not important because it's covered from what you make in commissions from your store and your friend's stores, right?"

"Now you're talking. But if you only pay the $25 fee, you can only redeem your earnings for Burnlounge points. You need to pay the $100 a month fee to trade those points for money."

I pay $400 to start and $100 a month to get in, and this guy gets a chunk of that. Fees from your recruits more important that selling or marketing a product? Check.

I'm going in for the kill now.

"You ever hear of Amway?"

"Yeah, that bullshit that old ladies sell like Avon?"

"Right. This scheme sounds like Amway and it's known as Multi-Level Marketing; a mostly legal pyramid scheme. You recruit people to sell X, the more people you recruit the more money you make from their sales and your own sales. And to meet your personal sales goal, you just buy products from the catalouge since your making so much off your friends. You sir, are pitching Amway, and we are in no way interested in a business propostion that puts more emphasis on recruiting than selling or marketing a product."

PG overhears this and knows they just wasted sixty bucks in Jager and Coors Light trying to push bullshit on what they thought were naive musicians. OARWSSLS just walks away in make believe disbelief. PG says "Well guys, I hate to have you miss out at the top, but if you change your mind, here's my card."

"No thank you."

As we were leaving I noticed some other, younger rock band coming into the same place. I told them they were about to be fed a bowl of bullshit sprinkled with sugar and to be alert; these guys are salesmen and not interested in helping your band.

"OK, thanks dude."

I don't know if those kids signed on for this crap; I doubt very seriously they had the money. But if they didn't, and I in some way helped them come to that decision then I feel proud to be a skeptic and a critical thinker.

Now we have just one more example of "What good does it do?".

*Addendum per wikipedia with verifiable citations*

FTC files pyramid scheme lawsuit

On June 10, 2007, it was reported that the Federal Trade Commission filed a lawsuit on June 5, 2007 against specific BurnLounge participants and their involvement with BurnLounge's alleged pyramid scheme. One person named in the lawsuit is former University of South Carolina football star Rob DeBoer, who says that he recruited about 45 other people to open their own BurnLounge sites. Those recruited would then pay a commission on their sales to DeBoer. DeBoer stated that he made almost US$300,000 from BurnLounge. The lawsuit is the result of a year-long investigation into BurnLounge by the state of South Carolina. Others named in the lawsuit include BurnLounge CEO Alex Arnold, and two Texas men who promoted BurnLounge similarly to DeBoer. The FTC's claim is that BurnLounge is a pyramid scheme because the company pays more money for recruiting new store owners than for selling music. According to the lawsuit, BurnLounge operators earned bonuses of up to US$50 for recruiting two new members and selling two albums per month, but only pays US$0.50 per album sold.

As a result of the FTC investigation Alex Arnold is no longer CEO.

Out of Business

In August 2007, Burnlounge laid off the vast majority of its New York employees. As of November 2007, the company is no longer operating pending the FTC litigation.

See? It does good to be skeptical about anything that sounds too good to be true. I'll try and be back soon with Part Deux.

What Harm Can it Do? A Lot.

The ever-loving lunacy of the mouth-breathing morons I share the planet with never ceases to amaze me. I know most of the people like to hold on to their delusions of "my life is meaningful with Jeebus" and "I'm important in the universe because of Odin", but when it comes down to it they'll take the first bus out of Moronville if it can save their ass or the ass of a loved one.

Leave it to these people to screw up my faith in humanity again. An 11-year old girl with a treatable disease died from it because her parents tried "faith" over "call nine one fucking one".

Says Female Moron:

"our lives are in God's hands. We know we did not do anything criminal. We know we did the best for our daughter we knew how to do."

Wait a minute. It's ok that you twiddled your thumbs (or whatever morons do when they pray) and neglected your child till she died from it, because had the almighty lord of the sky wanted her to live, he would've...magically transported an ambulance? Not made her ill in the first place?

I got news for you. What you did is not only stupid, it is criminal. And to go along with your Stone Age beliefs, I hope they institute a Stone Age punishment. Like stoning you to death. With really pointy stones. From Stone Mountain, GA. Crafted by a master stonemason. Whilst he is really stoned.

I'm done.